The Ledger

I wrote these thoughts nearly ten years ago, but they bear repeating more than ever in this season of my journey.

My Reflections on Time:

I think a lot about time these days — time lost, and how precious little may be left. I think about things that could have been and things that may never be. I reflect on ways time has been wasted on things that did not really matter yet somehow had a profound impact on my life because I allowed those thingsto have power over me.

I think about relationships that changed course because of an unkind word or a wrong assumption. I think about time spent in anger, stewing over a perceived wrong or injustice. I think about prayers from days gone by — some that were answered and many that were not — and time has taught me that perhaps God simply knew better. Looking back now, I can see that some of those unanswered prayers were, in fact, His protection over me.

I think about the “what ifs” and the “why nots,” and I see the “what was I thinking?” moments with crystal clarity. I think about the times I said no, and the times I said yes when I should have shouted NO. I think about the words that were spoken that would have been far better left unsaid.

My thoughts wander to the ways I allowed the actions of others to influence who I became, and I see moments when I was too afraid to speak up. I wonder how my own actions may have influenced others and whether finding courage might have changed an outcome.

I think about the two clean slates that God entrusted to me and how I may have shaped their lives. I wonder if my actions have any bearing on how they are now writing the stories of their own precious children.

And like most people who have lived a few decades, I sometimes wonder how I will be remembered. How will others see me when I am gone? Did I waste my time, or theirs? Did I spend it wisely, or did I let it slip quietly through my hands?

In the beginning, time appears to be endless. In the end, it becomes something we guard more carefully and think about more often.

Time becomes what we choose to make of it.

Until next time, keep rocking and reflecting.

— Trish McCllelan