By Becky Holland
I’ve been thinking lately about first impressions—not the kind we make when we meet someone for the first time, but the kind we make in the first few seconds of a conversation.
It’s funny how quickly a conversation can take shape.
Two people can walk into the very same situation with the very same goal and leave with completely different experiences. Often, the difference isn’t the answer they receive. It’s how they approached the conversation in the first place.
One person begins with, “Can you help me understand?”
Another begins with, “I need to know why this happened.”
Neither question is wrong. Both deserve an answer. But one opens a door while the other can sometimes put the other person on the defensive before the conversation has really begun.
Maybe that’s because every one of us carries something invisible.
The cashier ringing up our groceries may have spent the night with a sick child. The waitress bringing our tea may have just received difficult news. The receptionist answering the phone may be trying her best while juggling three ringing lines and a lobby full of people.
And then there’s us.
We carry things, too.
Stress. Deadlines. Worry. Grief. Disappointment. Fatigue. Sometimes we walk into a conversation already frustrated because of something that happened hours earlier with someone else.
It’s no wonder communication can be difficult.
I’ve learned that asking questions and holding people accountable are not opposites. We should ask questions. We should expect honesty. We should speak up when something isn’t right.
But we can do those things without assuming the worst about the person standing in front of us.
Some of the best conversations I’ve witnessed have started with simple curiosity.
“Can you help me understand?”
“Would you mind explaining this to me?”
“I may be missing something.”
Those aren’t signs of weakness. They’re invitations to have a conversation instead of an argument.
Of course, not every conversation ends well. Sometimes people are rude. Sometimes they’re dismissive. Sometimes they’re wrong.
But I still believe we have control over one thing.
Our approach.
Kindness doesn’t mean we stop asking hard questions.
Grace doesn’t mean we lower our standards.
Respect doesn’t mean we always agree.
It simply means we remember there’s another human being on the other side of the conversation.
In a world where so many people seem ready to argue before they even listen, maybe our communities could use a few more conversations that begin with understanding instead of assumptions.
After all, the first words we say often determine everything that follows.
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